Harry Potter and the Fluffy Pink Unicorn
by The Astrology Nerd
Summary: lyk omg harry is in LURRRVE wit a fluffy punk unicorn plz readreview kthxbye In other words, a parody of all Mary Sue cliches rolled into one. Somewhat of a prequel to the War Against Mary Sues.
1. Prologue

Harry Potter and the Fluffy Pink Unicorn

By Sakura Granger

* * *

DISCLAIMER: If you couldn't tell already, this is a parody. A mockery. A satire. I am imitating the stereotypical Suethor, so there will be serious OOCness, warping of canon, and purple prose ahoy. That is all. –beep.-

* * *

It was dark. Darker than the darkest dark you could ever dark with your dark. Or your mom's dark. It wouldn't matter anyway, because Harry Potter's window was covered with the blood from his pale, bloodstained wrists. "Voldemort – must – die – why – won't – Hermione – love me – back?"

Suddenly there was a crash. Harry looked up, his emerald green eyes set on the startling sight in front of him. In front of him was a… fluffy pink unicorn?

"A fluffy pink unicorn? What the kawaii is going on here?" Harry pouted, his lips forming a perfect circle.

The unicorn laughed. It freaking laughed. This was weird.

"Of course I'm a fluffy pink unicorn! What else would you think?" it said.

"Uh.. maybe that I might be drunk?" Harry scowled.

"Silly boy." The unicorn transformed into teh HAWTEST girl Harry had ever seen. "Forget Hermione, self. This girl's HAWT!" Harry pulled her into a deep, slobbery, R-rated kiss. The girl immediately broke away and slapped him across the face. "You doo-doo head!" She stuck her tongue out at him.

"Aww… she's so CUTE!" Harry gushed.

"Shut up, lowlife. My name is Hekate Lurlina Nessarose the Eighteenth, but you can call me… Kat."

"Kat? Sorry, but there's already thirty new girls going by Kat. I won't be able to remember you."

"Fine, call me Hekkie." Hekate Lurlina Nessarose said.

"OK… Hekkie." Harry hugged her for no reason at all.

"Get off, freak. Now where do you keep the firewhiskey?" Hekkie's voice suddenly switched from melodious and siren-like and became grovelly, raspy, and unpleasant. It was as if she became her aunt Pamela, who was short, ugly, and demanded cigarettes ever time she visited. She sounded like a man with bronchitis. Aunt Pamela, I mean. Not Hekkie. But now Hekkie does. Never mind.

Harry gave Hekkie his stash of the magical alcholoic beverage and waved like a Miss America wannabe as Hekkie drank her way out of the dormitory.

"Wow, that Hekkie sure is something… hey, why are my hands all bloody?" Harry whined as he made his way toward the common room to take a nap on the couch, even though it was three in the morning already and everyone was in bed.

* * *

That's it for now, as I have this inconvenience called Life to attend to. Something about "sleeping"… oh, wait, it's almost 11:00 PM. 


	2. The Sorting

Hekkie Gets Sorted

I apologize for the slight delay. I meant to have this up yesterday, but the stupid document manager thing kept going blank. Stupid server.

* * *

For some completely illogical reason, Hekkie was never sorted. So on the next day, Dumbledore got the Sorting Hat out and yelled, "HEKATE LURLINA NESSAROSE!"

Hekate skipped her way down the Great Hall and sat on the stool, her gorgeous lavender hair cascading down her back and to the floor. Dumbledore set the Sorting Hat on her head, hoping that this wouldn't take very long.

"Hmmm… difficult. Very difficult. More difficult than you could ever diffi with your cult. Or your mom's cult. Hmmm." The Sorting Hat murmured.

About an hour later, after the jury Dumbledore hired to help the Sorting Hat left, the hat came to a solution.

"You're selfish, cruel, obnoxious, crabby, psychotic, courageous, beautiful, clever, noble, perfect, and a snot. This, as you know, took a lot of thought. My jury and I have come to a solution. You, Hekate Lurlina Nessarose the Eighteenth, have joined the house of… HUFFLEPUFF!"

"WHAT? I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SLYTHERIN!" Hekkie began to foam at the mouth. It did nothing to detract from her beauty. Her gorgeous eyes – they seemed iridescent, though normally they gradually fade from bright ember to blood red to sapphire blue. It was as if they were rings of color braided together. It was quite a sight to see.

"No you weren't. You're a bloody Hufflepuff, so siddown and SHADDUP!" The Sorting Hat snapped.

The boys at the Hufflepuff table, including the ghost of Cedric Diggory, drooled. Hekate spat on their faces. The boys continued to drool. With Hekkie's spit on their faces.

"So, like, Hekate, what's your backstory? We SO need to know. Spill everything!" Two preppy Hufflepuff girls were hyperventilating when Hekkie sat down next to them.

"Well, first off, the name's Hekkie, and second, it's really long. Do you really want to know?" she asked.

"Yeayeayeayeayeayeayeayeayea!" the girls hyperventilated some more.

"OK. Well, it all started back when I was a baby. I lived in a cardboard box outside Privet Drive. That's where Potter over there lives." Hekkie pointed in Harry's direction. Harry fluttered his eyelashes, gasped, and fainted.

"What a pansy." The Hufflepuff boy nearest Hekkie muttered. The other boys nodded in agreement.

"Anyway, after my mom died in a freak accident, my dad went insane and abused me every day. I've broken my ribs about thirty times in one year. That's how bad it was."

Hekkie turned to face the rest of the table. Everyone had been bawling their eyes out at Hekkie's tragic story. "Oh, don't worry, it gets better," she reassured them.

"Right, abuse. OK, then when I was three, a modeling agency was coming through town, and one of the agent people stepped out of their limousine and offered my dad a contract. They said if they could keep me until age 11, they would give my dad a ginormous stack of money so he could live a better life. So my dad accepted, and now he lives next door to the Dursleys. Funny how that works."

"Wow, that was some story. You must be forever grateful that the modeling agency saved your life." The lead Hufflepuff girl said.

"Psh, as if. I didn't need their help." Hekkie tossed her hair back. "Toss, toss."

"Hey, Hekkie, do your eyes normally do that?" The Hufflepuff boy next to her said, pointing at Hekkie's now transforming eyes. They were turning black.

"What, turn colors? Yeah. It's like a mood ring. What color are they now?" Hekkie asked.

"Black." Everyone said.

"Oh. I like it when my eyes turn black. It's so… mystifying. Hey, what class do we have next?" Hekkie asked the group.

"Double Potions with Gryffindor. You get to see Potterkins and them all. Plus you get to meet Snape."

"Sweet. All right, let's go." Hekkie and the Hufflepuffs left the table and made their way to the dungeon.

* * *

I hadn't decided when this story took place when I originally wrote it, but now it's during OOtP, as Cedric is dead and Dumbles is not. I hope this satisfied the quest for a physical description and backstory. :) 


	3. Drunk Plunger

Drunk Plunger

NOTE: I do not encourage the use of intoxicated cleaning supplies. I hear it is illegal in most US states and Canada, as well as the city of Las Vegas. I think it's a violation of the 18th amendment or something… I'm kidding. The 18th Amendment is null and void.

Addendum: I don't own anything in the fanfics I write. If I did, I'd have a national monument in my name in front of the White House. Except they'd probably spell it wrong and Bush wouldn't be able to say it correctly. Hey, he can't even say "Nuclear." (eyeroll)

* * *

"Fifty points from Gryffindor, Mr. Finnigan." Snape snapped. Seamus had been trying to get his hands on Hekkie, more specifically her sweet lavender hair. Hekkie strangled him.

"Now, who can tell me the origin of Martha's Vineyard's wine? Anyone? Miss Granger?" Snape glared at Hermione, who was a bit baffled by the question. She knew the origin of wine like the back of her hand, but she didn't know a whole lot about Martha's Vineyard. Heck, she didn't remember where it was.

"Erm, Professor, what exactly does Martha's Vineyard wine have anything to do with Potions?" Hermione intelligently asked.

"What does your mom have anything to do with Potions?" Harry snapped back.

"What does your FACE have anything to do with Potions?" Hekkie shot back at Harry, who was in turn shooting back at Hermione, who was in turn shooting back at He-Who-Must-Buy-Shampoo. I mean Toby. Er, Eileen. No, wait, that's not the kid's name. Oh, yeah, ickle Sevvy-kins. What a bratty little snot he was. Oh how I'd _loathe_ being his nanny. Eesh. Remind me to stay away from him as a child. Oh, wait, what year is it already?

"Hey, narrator, focus! You're ruining my reputation as a tragically sexy and misunderstood Potions master!" Severus snapped at Gladys the Narrator. She jumped out of the window and drowned in the lake.

"Uh… Martha's Vineyard?" Susan Bones asked.

"Right. Well, today I'd thought we'd shove our 'magical' potion ingredients and create Elderberry Nectar. I believe this is what caused your fathers to smell of elderberries. As for your hamster mothers, I still have not figured that out, but I'm sure Gilderoy Lockhart has an excellent theory. You should visit him at St. Mungo's sometime. It's really quite a pleasant experience, as opposed to his teaching here-"

"Erm, Professor, I think you're getting a little distracted. Why are we making this elderberry nectar?" Hermione asked.

"Because I LIKE elderberry nectar. I'm too lazy to make my own breakfast OR to go down to the Great Hall. Such a hassle these days with all these kids running around. What's happened to common courtesy these days? Seriously, it's enough to make one go mad…"

"OK, so why Martha's Vineyard wine?" Ron asked.

"Because it's American and I have a bit of an obsession with American things like… Simon Cowell, for example."

"Simon Cowell's not American! He's a Brit, like us. Wait – what does Simon Cowell have to do with Martha's Vineyard anyway?" Harry shouted.

"Nothing; he's just awesome." Snape blushed.

"Weirdo." Hekkie snorted. The whole class burst into uncontrollable fits of laughter, a waterfall of tears coming out from each individual eye.

"Enough. Anyway, what is the purpose of this Elderberry Nectar?" Hekkie asked intelligently. Moreso than Hermione, of course, as Hermione is not awesome enough to have lavender hair cascading to the floor.

"We are going to enchant these Muggle household supplies with the Elderberry Nectar so we can" - Snape's (intentional) coughing made it difficult to understand the end of his sentence here - "get rid of Filch already." Snape then struck a Vanna White pose as he pointed to the plunger, mop, and vacuum cleaner.

"Erm, Professor, wizards use plungers and mops too…" Lavender Brown piped up.

"True, but wizards enchant their stuff." Dean Thomas explained.

There was a silence. An awkward silence. More awkward than you can awk with your ward. Or your grandma's nephew's ex-fiancée's coworkers' voodoo doll's hair extension's manufacturer's fantasy dream girl's nonexistence's grandma's ward. Or your mom's ward, as always.

"Riiiiiiiiiight." Hekkie muttered. She then proceeded to swipe the elderberries, sugar, and a bottle, pressed it together to make the nectar, and poured the entire thing into the bottom of the plunger.

The entire class at this point was "ooh"ing and "aah"ing, and has since began to cheer like sugar-high cheerleaders. Even Snape.

The plunger itself was a little tipsy. Well, hello, it's a Muggle plunger. It didn't get the opportunity to drink the owner's firewhiskey while they were gone like all the other magical household items did. The poor thing. What a shame.

The plunger tried to keep itself balanced, but ended up falling on its… side. It got back up again and tried to position itself on Snape's collarbone. It fell on the floor again. This sort of behavior continued for about 45 minutes. By the time it was finished, class was almost over. Snape was less than thrilled with the plunger. He promptly tossed it out the door.

Hekkie, on the other hand, was receiving a lot more attention, with the addition to the Hufflepuffs worshipping every vestigial organ in her body. Which there were many, by the way. The Gryffindors wanted to be part of her so badly that they'd even drink her gastric juices through a lime green bendy straw. Which, by the way, is totally gross.

The day was almost over, and as half the school buried themselves underneath Hekkie's feet, the rest of the school wondered how exactly this mysterious girl could lend a hand in destroying Voldemort. They planned on having a giant school assembly to discuss the matter the next day.

* * *

I solemnly swear I will write more fanfiction. I haven't yet finished the end of Annoying the Teen Titans, so I should probably do that. Queen of Duct Tape is writing Death Eater Files next to me. They are really funny. Y'all will like 'em. 


	4. OMG HEKKIE HAS FRIENDS YAY

OMG HEKKIE HAS FRIENDS YAY

Disclaimer of Frosted Flaky Goodness: I don't own Skippy Peanut Butter or Frosted Flakes or whatever name brand I may mention.

* * *

The next day during breakfast, Dumbledore made an announcement. "In light of recent events, I, as leader of the Order of the Phoenix, have found a solution to stopping Voldemort and his followers."

A quick flash appeared, and the audience is now at the Riddle House, watching Voldemort snuggle a jar of peanut butter in front of the fireplace. "Oh, my precious Skippy, you light up my dreary, dismal life. How could I ever live without you?"

Nagini flicked her tail at Skippy the Jar of Peanut Butter and let it roll into the fire. Voldemort began to throw an Oscar-worthy hissy fit, complete with an "AVADA KEDAVRA!" to Nagini. Voldemort conveniently forgot he made Nagini a Horcrux, so he then swore under his breath all the way to his bubble bath. (Wormtail made sure to buy strawberries-n'-cream scented bubbles.)

The audience returned to the Great Hall, where Dumbledore had conveniently paused in mid-sentence. It was more paused than you could ever pause with your pause. Or, as usual, your mom's pause.

"Voldemort lost his Skippy!" Hekkie suddenly blurted out without thinking. The rest of the Great Hall (well, the ones that weren't already staring at her) turned to face her.

"I'm sorry, dear, what was that?" Dumbledore asked softly.

"Uh… Voldemort must have lost his… um… Skippy?" Hekkie, totally confused, replied.

"What made you say that?" Seamus Finnigan shouted from across the Hall.

"I just had a vision of Voldemort's snake rolling a jar of Skippy Peanut Butter into a fire." Hekkie awkwardly responded.

Everyone gasped. Trelawney sprinted over to her and grabbed her wrist. "You have… the Inner Eye!"

"Uh… no, I'm psychic." Hekkie snapped.

"That's generally what having the Inner Eye means." Malfoy sarcastically snapped back.

"Cram it, Aaron Carter." Hekkie glared.

"You can help defeat Voldemort! This is excellent!" Harry cheered.

"Indeed I can. But before you say anything, I would like to introduce my friends." Hekkie said. She then telepathically opened the Great Hall doors, pulled Filch and Mrs. Norris inside, and then created a regal trumpet fanfare.

A dark haired girl that eerily reminded Harry of Sirius entered. "Meet Auriga," Hekkie explained, "Tikka," A girl with long sky-blue hair and a long, round stick pole-vaulted onto the Gryffindor table. "K'nae," This girl was different. She had very short, ruby-red hair, two small brown cat ears, a long red skirt with feathered angel wings attached as well as a slit that goes up her entire leg, and a short red cami with lots of chains and bangles dangling off of it. "Silverhawk," Hekkie continued as a brooding, silver-haired boy came in, looking down at his black-and-silver-feathered poncho thing, his silver bow and arrows slung on his arm. "Saiya," A cute blonde girl with an over-the-top ponytail held together by bright blue heart barettes and even more over-the-top red button-down shirt with a fiery patter, as well as a denim skirt with a HUGE frilly bottom that has the same fiery pattern as the shirt. As she made her way down the aisle, Hekkie introduced a pair of brunette twins. "Leah and Lyra," Both girls wore the same top, a gold tank top underneath a cerulean sweater and black beaded necklace. Leah had more of a scowl on her face while Lyra smiled. Leah had a pink skirt with a rhinestone butterfly on the bottom. Lyra wore a pair of jeans that made Hermione cringe with envy. They were denim blue on top, but they gradually changed to a metallic magenta at the bottom. Both girls also telepathically held a small orb with a rotating pink heart in the center. As they sat down, Hekkie escorted the last person. "And last, but not least, Leilana." Leilana was definitely the most interesting, as she had royal blue hair tied up into two Quaffle-shaped buns. A thick strand of hair dropped from each bun and had a gold ribbon cascading down. There were thick teal ribbons protruding from behind the buns and gracefully floated down. She was holding a large bouquet of flowers, so it was difficult to tell what she was actually wearing. Her skirt was a heavenly blue fading into a beautiful turquoise, and it ruffled like Sailor Moon's skirt. Her boots were a space-like white with gold and purple stars randomly printed on it. Her angel wings fluttered lightly as she sat down next to Harry.

"We are the Elite Nine!" Hekkie and her friends chanted together nine times.

The Great Hall was completely silent after they finished chanting. "So… what do you plan to do?" Snape finally asked after the crickets stopped chirping.

"We don't know yet." Hekkie responded.

"Well, then, off to class everyone!" Dumbledore announced. The students left quickly and quietly. Hekkie went up to the Hufflepuff common room instead, while her friends insisted on sorting themselves. They were all Gryffindors, and so they then went to Charms with the rest of Harry's classmates.

As Hekkie sat in the chair, she began to draw up a plan. "Hmm. This shouldn't be too hard." She spent the rest of the morning working, and then headed back to the Great Hall for lunch. What she didn't know was that her friends had a big surprise for her.

* * *

DUN DUN DUN!

Sorry for the shortness; I haven't really felt like writing fanfiction as of late.

I'm going to go ahead and spoil the surprise: It's a Hummer! Hekkie already knows this, but what they don't know is that someone still owns it. A very _annoying_ someone. You'll find out soon enough!


	5. Ego Inflation

Ego Inflation and Rising Action

We're getting close. Now here's the fun part:) I don't own… wait, if I told you what it is, I'd spoil it. Deal.

* * *

The whole school knew about Hekkie's surprise. Including Hekkie, obviously. However, she pretended to be comepletely oblivious. She often discussed with her fellow Hufflepuffs about how her friends have suddenly blown her off.

"I don't understand, Hannah. How could my friends do this to me? Tikka has been my best friend since we became models. We raided every Hot Topic in the universe together. She and I have every Green Day, Fall Out Boy, Linkin Park and Good Charlotte CD ever made. And K'nae… wow… I don't ever remember NOT hanging out with her. Leilana's kinda annoying, though. I can't believe Silverhawk had a crush on her a few years ago.

"Auriga is Sirius Black's long lost daughter. She's one of the most awesome people I have ever met, besides Tikka and K'nae and them. Saiya is adorable. I love her skirts and whatnot. And Leah and Lyra… well… they're just… there, really. It's not that we don't like them; it's just that we don't know why they hang out with us. We don't know anything about them." Hekkie explained to Hannah Abbott.

"Interesting, but… do you always have to talk about all your friends? Just curious." Hannah looked like Hekkie was going to Crucio her. Instead, Hekkie didn't really show any emotion. Her face was as blank as you could ever blank with your blank, or your mom's blank, etc.

"Elite Nine Code of Conduct. Kinda tedious, but that's how we talk." Hekkie said flatly.

"Well, it looks like your friends weren't blowing you off. Look." Hannah pointed to the dungeon door. There were balloons and magical confetti and…

"Screwdrivers?" Hekkie asked, confused.

Indeed, floating screwdrivers were gliding about the hallway, a few spontaneously combusting as the two Hufflepuffs entered. Actually, _everything_ floating by the door was spontaneously combusting. One would think it was a Vegas casino gone awry.

Once inside, every student at Hogwarts seemed to have popped out of nowhere (thanks to a nifty spell McGonagall used to make it an authentic surprise party).

"HAPPY STYROFOAM BOX APPRECIATION DAY!" The whole room seemed to have echoed. It was LOUD.

"Huh?" was all Hekkie could say.

"Hey, Hekkie, think fast!" Tikka threw a small metal object at her. Turns out that that small metal object turned out to be small metal _objects_. They were car keys.

"What are these?" Hekkie held the keys up.

"They're keys to your brand new Hummer!" Silverhawk said happily ("OK, _Silverhawk_ is happy. I think we rocked it, y'all!" K'nae said in the background.) as he ripped the blanket off a shiny silver Hummer, which looked damaged and rusty in some areas, none of which Hekkie had noticed earlier.

"Wow, thank you!" Hekkie faked her enthusiasm (for she really didn't care for automobiles, especially big cars that the Americans drove.). She walked over to the driver's seat and opened the door. She had pretended to use the key, but instead used her amazing telekinetic powers to unlock the door. Once inside the car, she noticed a foot sticking out from behind her seat. She leaned down and poked it once, hit it with her books, and yanked the foot towards her. Shockingly enough, the foot seemed to have yelped. Hekkie took a second glance behind her and noticed a young woman screaming.

"OWW! What did I ever do to you?" The woman yelled.

"You were born, that's what." Hekkie replied, scowling at who she believed to be a Muggle.

"Hey, that's not ni- What are you doing to my car?" The woman's tone changed from shrill to frustrated.

"Your car? Since when was it _your_ car?" Hekkie glared.

"SINCE I BOUGHT IT, STUPID LLAMA-FACE! NOW GET OUT OF MY CAR BEFORE I CALL THE- hey, where am I?" the woman asked.

"Hogwarts. Anything else you'd like to ask?" Hekkie snapped.

"Uh, yeah… WHY WON'T YOU GET OUT OF MY CAR?" the woman snapped back.

"Because I don't feel like it. Hold on, would ya?" Hekkie rolled down the window and yelled at Leilana. "Would you take this…" She turned to the woman and asked, "What's your name?"

"Gertrude." The woman looked like she was ready to rip Hekkie to shreds.

"…_Gertrude_ here to you-know-where?" Hekkie finished.

"The bathroom?" Leilana asked, confused.

"No! The other you-know-where!" Hekkie sweatdropped.

"I don't know wh- Oh. _That_ you-know-where!" Leilana had a mischievous grin on her face. "Come on, you weirdo." She grabbed Gertrude by the wrists.

"You-know-where? What's that?" Gertrude asked.

"This is where." Leilana conjured up a small gray cage in midair and locked Gertrude inside. "_Fun Box, oh Fun Box! Small and square and dark! Fun Box, oh Fun Box! Check out these cool fun locks! HEY!"_ Leilana sang and danced a la Vicky from Fairly OddParents and dumped a huge pile of padlocks onto the cage, causing it to crash onto the floor. Gertrude ended up with some more nasty bruises, but she insisted on staying put, as she had no clue where she was and she didn't want to run away into a wormhole into another reality. Which is probably what she should do anyway.

Meanwhile, Hekkie demanded everyone to shut up as she and the other Elite Nine members congregated in a small broom closet (the very same one where Rita Skeeter and Harry did that interview last year in the Daily Prophet).

"OK. Well, you know how I'm supposed to get rid of Voldykins and all?" Hekkie began. The rest of them just nodded, bored out of their minds.

"Well, I figured taking him out on my own would be a piece of cake, until I realized that I would be an unrealistic _deux ex machina_ to Harry. That's where y'all come in. Potterkins is madly in love with me, so Leah and Lyra, you two are going to mess with his head a little bit. Pretend to be the same girl, but do different things with him. Like Leah could do his Charms homework for him every day, but when you two switch-"

"I suck at Charms!" Lyra interrupted.

"I_ know_. What I was _going_ to say was that you, Lyra, can totally screw up his Charms homework one day, and he'll be so confused! Do you get it?" Hekkie asked.

"Ohhhhhh. Yeah! Yeah!" The twins seemed to be pretty excited about the idea.

"What about the rest of us?" Auriga asked.

"OK… Silverhawk, you kill Snape and any other Death Eater that gets in your way. He's out of his mind. Sneak up on him one day and just take him out with everything you've got. And maybe a poison or two in his storage room." Hekkie ordered. Silverhawk nodded. "Shouldn't be too hard."

"Leilana, you, Saiya, K'nae, and Auriga will find the rest of the Horcruxes. Tikka, you and I will kill Voldemort together. Sound good?" Hekkie explained. The whole group cheered.

"All right! And then we can mindwipe everyone else and go find someone else's life to fix. And get that Gertrude girl back to where she came from. She can keep that car if she wants, I don't want it." Hekkie said.

"You don't?" Leilana looked really disappointed.

"Yeah, I'm allergic to gasoline. Gross stuff. Sorry." Hekkie said, faking her regret.

"Oh, no, we should be the sorry ones. We're not worthy! We're not worthy!" The others began to bow down to their lavender-haired leader.

"That's more like it. Now, guys, our plans will start tomorrow, so don't drink too much firewhiskey. 'Night, y'all." Hekkie winked. The others laughed as they left the broom closet.


	6. Voldemort's Angels, Part One

Voldemort's Angels, Part One

* * *

Wormtail was dead meat. He knew it. He bought the wrong bubble bath.

"WORMTAIL, YOU IDIOT! YOU BOUGHT THE WRONG BUBBLE BATH!" Voldemort screamed as soon as he stepped into the tub.

"M-m-milord, don't you think you're a little… um… distressed right now?" Wormtail, absolutely horrified (more horrified than you can horri with your fied or your mom's fied), timidly asked.

"Why, yes. I believe so," Voldemort's tone completely changed. He was calm. Wormtail gulped. This meant someone was going to die. He hoped it was going to be the little girl that lived down the road.

"Bring me my wand." Voldemort snapped his fingers impatiently. Wormtail reluctantly obliged, trying to fight back fearful tears. Voldemort swiped it from his hand and pointed it straight at his servant's head.

"Now, go find my Angels. Tell them to kill everyone in Hogwarts that isn't a Death Eater. I would do it myself, but this is my beauty time. I'm going to the salon in an hour. Make sure the Angels do their jobs." Voldemort waved Wormtail goodbye.

"R-right then." Wormtail left.

Seven hours later, he arrived at a pure white cathedral in the middle of nowhere. There were lots of white tombs dotting the ground, and a pure white graveyard in the back of the building. The brightness of the building seemed to light up the pitch black sky. Terrified, Wormtail went up the white marble stairs and pulled the rope. A chorus of howls echoed loudly, knocking over the white wooden doors. After the dust cleared, he timidly tiptoed into the cathedral.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Hi!" A bubbly blue-haired angel flew down to meet him. She landed and gave Wormtail a big hug.

"What are you doing, Crystal?" A red angel rolled her eyes as she flew down the stairs.

"Greeting the visitor." Crystal said, letting Wormtail go.

"You aren't supposed to be nice to the visitor, stupid! Kira won't like that!" the red angel said.

"I don't care what Kira thinks! She's mean!" Crystal pouted.

"We're ALL supposed to be mean. That's why we're Voldemort's Angels! Hey, mister, may we help you?" The red angel went from vicious to sickly sweet in less than five seconds.

"The Dark Lord orders you to kill the Potter boy and anyone else who's not a Death Eater. He's busy right now, and since half the Death Eaters are either dead, in Azkaban, or somewhere else where we can't find them, we need you." Wormtail explained.

"What about the Dementors?" asked the red angel.

"They're on vacation in Aruba." Wormtail said.

"OK. Crystal, go get Kira." The red angel ordered, waving Crystal away. Crystal obeyed. Within five minutes, the head angel appeared.

"Hello." Kira said. Wormtail thought she was beautiful. Her hair was a lovely gold and it faded into a rich violet. Her gown seemed to be made of muslin, and her wings looked like a work of art. Bubbles started to form in the air and popped whenever her feet hit the ground. Her eyes were a deep sapphire, illuminating the dim entrance hall.

"Hello." Wormtail meekly replied.

"The Dark Lord needs our help, yes?" She smiled. Wormtail nodded. "Well, Miss Crystal told me all about it, and we'll have the castle annihilated in no time. With a small price." She winked.

"How much? 700 galleons?" Wormtail began searching through his pocket for the money Voldemort had given him.

"More like 70. Sound fair?" Kira reached her hand out to collect her dues. Wormtail obliged. The angel giggled.

"Thank you. Nina, bring down the other angels. We have lots of work to do." Kira pointed the red angel up the stairs.

TO BE CONTINUED


End file.
